Karin Pinter

Silence is a golden doubloon, with both sides playing equally impressive roles in communication.

Some people believe silence means you have nothing to say… as though you were hiding behind a shield of indifference.

Some people know, however, that it means there can be so much to say you struggle with where to begin… much like the face that appears on the other side of the coin, about to speak yet frozen in thought.

It is true that sometimes we really have nothing to say… no answer to a begging question, no insight on a matter that’s been deemed important by another person. People seem to forget that Life’s most important questions were generally answered with healthy doses of silent contemplation.

They may also have a tendency to push their own needs upon you, hoping that you will provide answers for issues that they are too scared or incapable of addressing for themselves. Beware of these situations… for some people will put their lives in your hands, and potentially condemn you when things work out less favourably for them – because, after all, they have put their lives in your hands, without realising what that really means for them. You may be doing your best from your perspective, although it may not turn out to be good enough for them when they finally understand what they really want or need. Now would be a good time ask yourself if you might be doing just that to someone else – if so, think about how you can take your power back and disengage from that vicious circle.

The ‘face’ of silence means there can be angry or hurt silences, happy or contemplative ones, in which a person’s energy exudes the feelings that are keeping them ‘quiet’. People who are out of sync may not notice these nuances, and often perceive them to be something far removed from your reality, forcing their opinions on you with little respect for what you really may be thinking or feeling, yet unable (or unwilling) at that moment to express it in a way they would understand. If the average amount of time people can manage to stay quiet before interrupting somebody while they speak is 17 seconds, it’s no wonder we have a tendency to jump to erroneous conclusions or fabricate our own answers just to ‘move on’.

Patience in such cases is more than a virtue, it is a downright necessity, if one is to truly give space and time for another to express themselves clearly. Stepping out of your truth and into somebody else’s in order to satisfy their impatience rarely bodes well for you, so be mindful of where your truth merges with another’s.

Thankfully, we have people – friends, family, even strangers – with whom we experience comfortable silences. We can spend hours gazing at the ocean, passersby, a cup of tea… deeply ensconced in our thoughts and happy to know there is another being within reach that we can touch, hold, speak to when we are ready to return to an active state of consciousness.

Sometimes though, it is better to sit in your own company and embrace what you have to say to yourself, without the distractions of music, phone, TV, or another person’s presence. It may conjure up pleasure or discomfort, but at least you will give yourself a chance to sift through feelings and memories that you have accumulated over time, and which you can now send off with gratitude for what they’ve taught you. You may even notice the knots that once formed in your throat when trying to express yourself have now frayed to nothing, and the anxiety in your chest that slowed your breathing has now eased up so that your truth can flow easier, faster, clearer. Ultimately, there is nothing to be afraid of, as long as you remember to be patient and allow yourself permission to forgive, let go and lighten up, no matter what.

Enjoy the silence.

A lot of people will quickly complain about how superficial we have become when we greet each other these days.                

“Hi, how are you?” seems to have lost its meaning for some, becoming more of a light-hearted comment in passing as we cross on the street but don’t stop to converse in depth. We hide behind these fleeting moments, never quite facing or admitting how we really feel. Obviously, time is at a premium and most people don’t like to deal with deeper issues unless they are closer to someone.

We clearly don’t stop to listen to each other enough these days, let alone ourselves, which is why many individuals end up paying someone else to do just that. There is something very special about watching a person’s eyes light up when you give them the time of day or night to hear how they truly feel.

Talking to a friend this evening sparked a new question though. Even when we do take the time to listen to friends and family answer our probes as to how they are, when was the last time we asked ourselves that question? Truly. Deeply. How are you? 

We get so caught up in daily routines, work, outings, relationships of any kind, taking interest in our surroundings, travel, health, environment, worrying about politics and finance… all of these things make up our lives, but they don’t define who we really are or how we feel.

I will confess that I often soldier on through hard times, without necessarily stopping enough to look back over my shoulder and congratulate myself on certain achievements, or even stop to let my ‘self’ breathe. It always seems as though life keeps pushing us onwards that we don’t remember to take that time to reflect. The same happens when we don’t assess how we are feeling on a daily basis.

“Good morning Me, how am I today?”

We’ll ask our partners how their day went, but do we ask ourselves the same and answer honestly?

“Good evening Me, sit down, put your feet up and tell me all about it…”

We all talk to ourselves – whether we keep that internal monologue within our head or allow it to escape in innocent conversation with nobody else around to hear. But a lot of times we indulge in verbal diarrhoea, spewing out wasted words and thoughts about what we have done, what we should do, or what we would like to do. Go shopping, do the laundry, take out the garbage, get up early enough to go to work, charge up the phone, take out money for rent, watch the news, go for drinks with friends, call home, put that letter in the mail, add more salt to the pasta sauce… we talk so much trash to ourselves we ought to put our brains in the garbage sometimes. No doubt, we would realise our foolishness very quickly and want fresh air again.

Fresh air to recognise that we are happy or sad, fulfilled or missing something, motivated to search for that something or heal from past experiences, confront challenges and let hard times wash over us because we know they will come to pass.

We don’t all have to take up yoga, meditation, or any similar focusing techniques… we can find our little soulful nirvanas even knitting a hat or watching rain fall… but we have to make more of an effort not only for our own sakes, but for the sakes of those around us, especially the people we care about. We may never fully understand ourselves, because this is the magic of change and mystery, but we were born to learn, and learning only comes from listening and observing. And in this way we build our strength and relationships with others.

So the next time you ask another person how they are, just make sure you asked yourself that question first… and don’t be afraid to answer.

Most of us would agree that there is no need for rude attitudes these days. If you recall that it takes less muscles in the face to conjure up a smile than a frown, then it is a wonder why we waste so much energy when we could all bask in a little effortless happiness. And it is certainly not as concerning to some as hugging trees.  

Most of us will remember how our parents taught us to mind our please and thank yous… whether it be by harsh reprimand or ‘that serious look’ on their faces. Depending which schools we attended, our teachers may have applied the same principles as well. Thankfully, a ruler never fell swiftly upon the palm of my hand.

We would have also been told to respect our elders, or anyone in general, for respect is only gained when shown to others. I know many will contest this, including myself, but when applied between intelligent people, it really does work. I remember attending a funeral in Spain a few years ago, and was humbled by the sight of an elderly man stopping in his tracks to take off his hat as the hearse drove past him, in a show of respect towards the departed. Nowadays, youths will leave their caps on while they have dinner at a restaurant, and nobody seems to care.

We may have been told not to scream, because it was bad manners, especially in public. Hold doors open for people. Stop to let others pass in front of us. The list goes on, but over the years, I have come to learn that being polite can sometimes be the greatest insult of all.

A very simple example to start with is this one. We’ve all had that crumb on the side of our mouth that nobody bothered to point out at the dinner table, leaving us to find it when we go off to the washroom to freshen up and feel like idiots when the little element of discord snickers at our reflection in the mirror. What does it really take to make a silent gesture to tell you about it? In essence, nothing. In practise, obviously too much for some to bother. And they just grin or feign ignorance because they didn’t want to embarrass you at the table… Pardon me?

Then there are those who, finding confrontation difficult or uncomfortable, avoid telling you they no longer want to be in your company just by stepping back and hoping you will figure it out from their silence and absence, or relying on a grape from the vine to whisper it in your ear. This is probably the most irritating and insulting of all, especially if you were very close to one another for a time. Grown ups who never quite grew up…

Or those who, after falling out of touch for a long time for whatever reason, continue to hide in embarrassment and choose not to get back in touch. This goes beyond politeness, but I actually don’t know what to call it as I’m still trying to understand it. Yet some people are so cemented in their ways that they will stubbornly block their own growth, rather than allow for change. Even when a simple, “I’m sorry I haven’t kept in touch. Now… how are you?” could work wonders.

Whether it is a matter of pride, fear, lack of people skills, or whatever one wishes to call it, one thing is clear; being polite often involves having to do things we are not comfortable with. In the same way that many people will obscure the truth because they are afraid it will hurt somebody, the pain will be greater because of the attempt to hide things or soften the blow.

I’ve had my fair shaire of truths, half-truths, and un-truths. And I really don’t like hurting people, but I’m learning that sometimes it is better to pull that tooth in one confident yank instead of several mild attempts, which build up the awful blunt pain that seeps its way to the bottom of your stomach and pulls you down.

And I am grateful for the friends who challenge me in healthy, constructive ways, even if at times I have to deconstruct a part of myself in order to rebuild it for my own improvement.

Of course this poses the question, at which point do we start saying we cannot change, when essentially we are the only ones with the power and responsibility to change ourselves?

Although admittedly naïve, Dostoevsky’s famed ‘Idiot’ Prince Myshkin no doubt represents all of those who try to live honest and honourable lives. It is difficult to find people like this nowadays, who have not been battered and bruised or left jaded and bitter ‘forever’. Likewise, it is hard to watch people ridicule these so-called ‘idiots’, thinking they are worthless, foolish individuals holding onto supposedly outdated beliefs. But when did essential morals and ethics that provide us with the solid foundation by which to be good people die?

The world is stupid, some might say. On a bad day, I add ‘fucking’ to that sad little sentence. But deep down I still believe that we all have the ability to overcome our own self-ambushing tendencies.

On a scale of karmic economy and evolution, we are admittedly at different levels, and it is this tug of war that keeps us on our knees sometimes. You might say that in a less populated world we had more ‘space’ to deal with our issues and resolve them, but now that we have escalated to such a push and shove, sometimes we don’t really know if we are juggling our own emotions or somebody else’s. And we can’t all physically retreat to a mountaintop to figure it out, but we have to learn to filter regardless.

When we become closely involved with someone, inevitably there is a sharing of energy and emotions, and we become vulnerable to both the positive and the negative. So unless you choose to live a completely sheltered, abstinent life, you’re going to be in for a ride whether you like it or not. Look at the whole journey though, not just the road-trips.

I don’t believe we can choose all our battles, because that is not what life is about, and the majority of us would learn nothing. I do, however, believe we can choose our own warriors, but sometimes we will have to confront one another in order to better understand who we are as individuals and be able to fight back to back with confidence.

I know couples who have struggled for years to stay together, eventually emerging from an unknown silence that kept them alienated from their respective partners. Or those who thought they had fallen into a bad situation out of eagerness to claim a certain social status or sense of belonging.

Some have stuck it through, feeling they had no other choice, resigning themselves to an uncomfortable situation through financial dependence on the other person, or just plain fear of stepping back into the unknown. Others held firm to their belief that things would get better.

Many people have been more than pleasantly surprised when this kind of situation turns right around and graces them with the happiest time of their lives, either disproving their despondent views or confirming what they believed in at long last. This ultimately applies to any kind of relationship, personal or professional.

It’s never easy to know when to go on fighting, and when to raise your hands in dignified defeat. We must go boldly forth, but a river can stream through many meanders no matter how deep and wide the main channel may be. Who’s to know which rivulet we may have to navigate temporarily until we are led back to our main stream?

And while we do this, is it entirely fair to another person to cut them out so we can deal with our own issues, when it is only human nature to share and help each other? Our shoulders may be large enough to carry many burdens, but it doesn’t mean we have to.

The urban jungle is selfish. The tools we use to survive now are more likely to be cunning and deception than communal spirit and dedication to self-awareness, quite often having to second-guess each others’ actions so that one can be a step ahead of the other in this infamous rat-race. Go figure, we compare ourselves to rats… doesn’t that explain a lot about the way people feel about themselves these days? When did belittling ourselves become a habit?

Humility is a virtue, but don’t confuse it with denying yourself a wonderful life just because you’re afraid to have more than others. Remember everybody has a different history and their own rivers to navigate.

So, while we may strain to figure out exactly what we want, sometimes this is the easier challenge. Afterwards, we are faced with finding out how to achieve what we want. And this is where life throws us both safety nets and dead weights. It is up to you to decide what to do with each one.

It is also up to you to choose who fights with you, because no great warrior ever fought completely alone.

What You Believe In – Take That

What am I to you and what are you to me?
Are we getting better or did we used to be?
What of the songs we used to sing?
Where are the souls we used to carry in?
What is a sail without a hurricane?
What is a hurt without someone to blame?
Show me the sky and I climb the stairs
Give me something ’cause I’m losing it

Give me what it is you believe in
’cause I give to you my truth
I got all my faith in you
I don’t know which way we are going
Doesn’t matter anyway
Just as long as you will stay

Tell me the word and I’ll shout it out
For what is a voice when in doubt?
The world has changed
The world will change
Oh give me something ’cause I need to feel

It’s all good you know
I still love you so
And you don’t have to do this on your own

I was numb today, pushed into a corner by emotions that seeped in through a rough night’s sleep, and a few that were thrown across an ocean for me to catch. They glimmered at me like the sun plays on the waves, until finally I was able to figure them out.

I have been struggling with the concept of time and distance for a while now, consciously and not so consciously. Life has a quicker knack of throwing me curve balls now when I ignore deeper issues at hand, and I am learning to acknowledge them faster.

Throughout the years we are transported from one experience to another like a human-powered chain of buckets of water to put out a fire, until at last we quench it and find our peace. For some, this journey takes us across countries and oceans, while others remain forever in their place of birth, travelling without moving but still managing to fulfil their personal destinies.

We all have friends or family who moved away, or we were the ones to take that leap of faith and leave the comfort zone that we call home. Either way, we struggle to come to terms with our ‘losses’ and adapt to change. Suddenly, gone are those short-notice café rendezvous, the family get-togethers to celebrate another birthday, those group outings that feel so damn comfortable, or that familiarity with our friendly neighbourhood grocery store owner is replaced by service-oriented smiles from people we will never really warm to. These perks all disappear and are never fully replaced in our new environments, and yet we need to embrace the new ones for they will continue to enrich our lives.

Even though being farther apart certainly re-shapes the way we relate to one another, it is actually time that separates us more than distance. And yet most people hold onto distance as being that determining factor to cut off relations as an easy way out of facing deeper truths.

We tend to forget that life beckons us to focus our attention elsewhere, and this is not to say that we ignore one another or stop caring.

I could walk into a bar and meet a sparkly-eyed stranger in a new place who makes me feel as though certain things are understood without speaking. Or we could have been inseparable during our youth and now we are strangers tied together by a common surname. We live with the uncertainty of whether our experiences will make us grow closer or send us off on separate trains to different destinations, for a little while or forever.

What is certain, is that whilst conquering the world is not for everyone, conquering your own world is. It’s a tough responsibility but we have to honour it come what may, because growing up never ceases. Even after coming of legal age, getting married, waging wars, setting up our own business, or travelling around the world. Although some decide to pause at a certain point and expect things to just happen for them. It is alright to pause for breath, to look back at our achievements and review our intentions, but we can’t afford to lie flat for very long or let indecision dominate our ability to take action. Sometimes we shy away from making decisions for fear of how they will affect others, forgetting that those same people make their own choices that likewise affect us. Or we chew through every last detail until we tire ourselves out thinking of all the possible outcomes and end up lost in limbo.

Whatever we do, however we do it, as long as it is filled with honesty and some sense of conviction, it will take us where we need to go. Even if we’re not quite sure where that is yet.

And don’t let the thought of growing pains scare you, because whilst growth is essentially eternal, the pain just comes and goes. So turn your worries into your allies and grab another bucket.